Marked by Shadows

Silence can be defined in several ways. Sometimes it means late nights indoors with nothing but the sound of a sleeping pet or partner. Sometimes it is a relaxing bath covered in thick bubbles and warm water. Or sometimes silence is more the tuning out of noise, like reading in a public place, or hiking down an active trail through the woods on a bright and sunny day.

Rarely is silence the complete absence of sound.

That had been my first mistake.

I had a handful of excuses: a morning fight with Tim; the chill in the air that whipped through my jacket; the vague memory of something someone said on our drive up to the park; and the annoying squawk of an unidentified bird that no one else seemed to hear.

Preoccupied. Not paying attention. My fault.

Those thoughts echoed in my brain often enough as I recalled that day. Parts of it blurry, like the memory of morning sex, which led to a fight and me not eating or having coffee before the hike his friends insisted on. I hadn’t wanted to come at all. Nature was not my thing. I liked cities, technology, and being near people even if I didn’t always want to talk to them.

The first part of the hike had been mostly uneventful. Teasing from his friends who weren’t supposed to know about the videos we did. I found myself embarrassed, not for the first time, and slowed my step until I was at the back of the group. I’d been planning on leaving sex work, moving on to other things, including a fun craft shop, which would give me time to expand my hobbies into a full-time career. Tim pushed back, not wanting the change. My age, always a factor, had become a constant battle point. I was too young to make those decisions; he claimed. Not too young to have sex on camera, but too young to know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. His gaze strayed to younger men often enough for me to know his interest in me was waning.

Another squawk made me pause and look up, searching the trees for a source of the sound. Never heard a bird like that before, almost like a monkey, or an unusual parrot. Having lived in a half dozen countries in my life, I expected to have seen and heard just about everything. Whatever made that noise, I had never experienced before. A chill raced up my spine and the hint of a cold sweat touched my brow. My gut ached, not from something I ate, but from anxiety. Last time it hurt this bad I had been in a classroom in the middle of nowhere China, when men had entered the room with guns and pointed them at my mother who was teaching.

No one had been hurt that day, but fear had taken up solid residence in my stomach and left a lasting impression. I remembered being on my knees outside the building, surrounded by pigeons, thousands of them. Yet despite their numbers, they were silent, mostly still, staring with those dark and eerie eyes. The world had turned motionless, lasted forever, though probably was only a half an hour. Then the men re-emerged from the school. The birds took off all at once. A terrifying flap of wings as though they would descend on us any second and rip us apart like the gruesome horror movies of old.

Some memories ingrained themselves inside your soul that way. The taint of emotion making them unforgettable. Like that odd squawking. Or the feeling of being watched, which I’d tried to ignore all morning, and brush off as the others looking at me.

High in the trees, nothing moved. No one else seemed to notice, adding to my irritation. I continued up the trail, thankful that it was a wide dirt path, unmistakable through the towering trees and scattered rocks.

I sighed, brain back on high volume, as once again I was reminded of why I had agreed to this stupid trip. Tim. Our relationship began as a spark. I knew it was a spark. That hot burning attraction, the need to taste him, and wrap my body around him. I had hoped it would blossom into more. It hadn’t. Why did I stay?

It came down to comfort, money, and control. Not a surprise, really. He’d helped me a lot in getting settled in the USA with an income to support myself. The rest I’d done. Saved, built outlines and plans for things I wanted to happen in my life. None of them involved sex on camera. That Tim wanted to film us this morning meant our conversation on the way up had fallen on deaf ears. Sex on camera was tedious. A show or an act. Turn this way, face the camera… not the intimacy I’d wanted with a partner. I often felt like a sex doll beneath him rather than a person. Used instead of cherished.

My mother had taught me to respect myself better. Love, she often reminded me, was a partnership. More than attraction or lust, it meant being comfortable with each other as only genuine friends could be. Despite how often she and my father argued; they were very different. Him with his traditional Japanese values, and her a fiercely independent Irish woman, I could see their adoration for each other. Their affection made me long for something similar, a best friend and a lover, a partner and husband. Tim wasn’t it.

I gnawed on my lower lip as I followed the group up the trail, my pace a little slower than theirs, more out of my annoyance with them than my inability to keep up. My thoughts strayed back to the argument this morning. They’d wanted to know if we would have sex in front of them. Put on a show. Tim’s response? Maybe.

More like not a chance. If I’d had cell reception, I’d have called for a ride home. But I could grin and bear it for a few days. No big deal. Change didn’t frighten me like it did many people. Too many years of moving around with my parents, experiencing other countries, struggling to learn other languages. The subtle comfort of minor changes that Americans seemed to think was their ‘God-given’ right didn’t really appeal to me. I had no desire to live in misery just to avoid the discomfort of change.

I didn’t look forward to the upcoming fight about me leaving. And maybe it wouldn’t come to that. Perhaps Tim would change his mind. Or I would.

I questioned us a lot lately. Did I love him? Did he love me? Was it a relationship of convenience? Why stay? Why go?

The noise came again. So close I nearly leapt back, thinking it was in front of me. Except again, I saw nothing. Not even the other guys. Though I suspected they pushed ahead of my slow ass, likely annoyed that I wasn’t putting up with their teasing like the good little boy toy Tim claimed I was.

Gooseflesh broke out on my skin. An eerie sense of something watching me arched down my spine. For a minute, blood pulsed in my ears. My heartbeat and labored breathing echoing in my head. I made myself move, rushing to catch up, racing into the distance while trying to glimpse the guys. How far ahead could they have gotten? They wouldn’t have left me, would they?

I tripped, stumbling several feet. Not falling, but having to slow myself.

A prickling sensation danced over my skin. Not painful at first, a bit like walking through a spiderweb. I flailed, focused on it for a moment, fearing I had staggered into something. A thousand scenarios of deadly arachnids raced through my mind as the feeling intensified to the point of pain.

I didn’t notice the silence that overtook the trail. Unlike a silence of bugs and birds gone quiet because a predator was nearby, but complete absence of sound. No wind. No crunch of my feet on the dirt path. Not even the sound of my breath, heavy from walking at a slightly inclined angle for an hour.

I don’t remember how I came to realize the silence wasn’t natural or that the rest of the group had vanished. Somehow I knew something was wrong, that they were gone and I was alone. I sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm the panic of some unknown bug crawling on me and collect myself. Not much frightened me. Why an uneasy feeling curled around me in that moment, I couldn’t understand. A bit like a rising panic attack, a sudden wave of anxiety flowing through me. The past few weeks had echoed the same feeling off and on. An odd sense of something on the verge of happening. Almost premonition-like, though instead of the vague déjà vu, this was more of a horror movie something-is-going-to-leap-out-at-me feeling.

The sensation of being watched added to the prickling wriggle on my skin. Air didn’t seem to reach my lungs and my mind screamed for oxygen. I stood on the path, stopped, frozen almost, staring into the distance, straining for the sound of life, my skin on fire with prickling pain.

Fans of paranormal fiction sometimes asked if I’d seen or felt a change. Wavers in the road, or smelled a distinct scent, anything to indicate a shift in dimension.

Big concept. Leaving one dimension for another.

That day I’d seen only the dancing waver of heat on the trail in front of me. I thought nothing of it at the time. Despite being cold enough to huddle in a winter coat, and walking on a dirt trail through towering trees, neither of which was conducive to heat waves from pavement. Had that been the change? Had I stumbled through some otherworld portal? Or had it happened when I first heard that terrifying monkey-bird cry no one else seemed to notice?

Perhaps it had been the pin pricks of dancing ants across my skin which had been the actual change. I’d spent far too many hours thinking about it, had endless nightmares about the feeling of being watched and sensing oncoming doom. Fears about what I’d missed, months vanished both from my life and my memory, echoes of running through woods and snow while something unseen chased me. Memories or simply things my mind conjured up to scare me?

“Micah?”

I glanced up, blinking away the brooding, to find Lukas towering over me, holding out a cup of coffee. The noise of the police precinct rushed back around me in a blanket of sound, voices, computer keys, doors. Life arose around me, ripping me out of the nightmare of my memory. I took the cup.

Handsome, polished, and now clean shaven, hair trimmed, Lukas had pulled himself together in the last few hours. I hoped Skylar had helped.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Any news on Alex?” I replied, deflecting the question.

He shook his head. “They are still questioning him.”

“Did he do something?” I knew Alex hadn’t. Much like my disappearance, Alex had vanished for a month, returning with no memory of the time passed. Unlike my event, they had found traces of him. Bits of video of him around the country. At least that was what I’d been able to deduce from the surrounding conversations. That something had taken over Alex’s body for a month, used it to travel around the country and perhaps do things that might be dangerous or illegal, seemed to come to fruition.

Lukas, as Alex’s twin brother, really appeared bothered by the idea, though he’d been the first to bring it up. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it yet. Relieved that he was back? Worried he’d vanish again? Grateful someone else had experienced something similar to me? Mostly I felt numb, which sent my mind into a spiral of questions into my relationship with Alex. Did we have one? Had his time away changed him? Or me? We barely knew each other before he’d vanished, so did that mean we should start over, or continue on with what we’d begun?

Lukas sat down beside me. I sipped the coffee, which was disgustingly dark and thick, but I needed the caffeine. He said nothing for a few minutes, leaving me to think and overthink. I should have brought something to work on. My hands ached with the need to move, even if it was only to slow my brain down. Over-analyzing was one of my best skills and bad habits.

“It wouldn’t have been him,” Lukas finally said.

“No,” I agreed.

“I don’t know what they have, don’t have, or are even thinking.” Because him being a police detective didn’t mean he got access to everything. Lukas ran his career by the book. Likely why he had no complaints issued against him, and had one of the best solve rates in the city for the homicides he investigated. People talked to him, could relate, and feel comfortable around him since he didn’t come across as a total douche. Most of the time, at least.

He had ‘overprotective big brother’ down to a science. The past month of Alex missing brought Lukas down hard, demanding answers I didn’t have and blaming me for things I couldn’t possibly control. Unreasonable, but understandable. I worked hard not to be angry with him. The car ride across the country to retrieve Alex from a hospital in Georgia had been brutal, Lukas brooding the entire time. He gave off waves of anger, irritation, and terror. If I never had to be trapped in a car with him again, it would be too soon.

He ran his hands through his short hair. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About?”

He turned to glare at me. “This thing that took Alex.”

I sighed. “What is there to do?”

“I’m supposed to just accept this as fact? Something took him, took control of his body and used it to do what?”

I did not have answers to that. Wasn’t sure anyone really did, not even Alex. And honestly, it’s what everyone expected of me. When I’d returned, everyone had thought I’d pick up life again where I’d left off, like it hadn’t changed me. And I tried, but couldn’t help always looking over my shoulder, or thinking about what might happen if it came for me again.

“You haven’t been taken again,” he whispered.

“Not because of anything I’ve done or haven’t done.”

“You haven’t gone back into the woods.”

Not the same one, no, but it wasn’t like I hid from trees or never left my house.

“Maybe if he doesn’t go on the cemetery tour with you?”

“He vanished from my garden,” I pointed out.

“Fuck,” Lukas swore and jumped from the seat to resume his pacing. He paused and looked at me, his gaze intense. “I have some money put away. I could help you find a new place. Help you move.”

Instead of replying, I raised a brow, waiting for him to come up with his own answers. Running changed nothing. Moving led to more of the same; I had tried it a dozen times. Even on the rare occasion I went home to visit my parents or another relative, the odd night noises followed.

I liked my place. Felt safe inside. Especially when Alex stayed over. Funny how short of a time I’ve actually known him and yet I felt so comfortable being with him. Maybe because I already knew and trusted Lukas? Perhaps it didn’t relate to Lukas at all. Alex had his own personal charisma that he kept locked away until someone knew him a little. A lot like his snark, which reared its head when you least expected it. He made me laugh, smile, and relax. I loved that about him. Huh. Love…

A month gone, after having only known him a few days and I still thought about him relentlessly.

“Stupid idea, I know. None of this makes any sense.”

It didn’t, but sometimes that was the way of things.

We coexisted in silence for a few minutes. Him pacing, me sitting and wishing I had something to do with my hands while a million things raced through my head.

“I hate when you’re quiet like this…”

“Sorry,” I said immediately. Everyone hated it. Well, Alex hadn’t commented on it, but maybe he hadn’t experienced it yet. “I’m thinking.”

Lukas let out a long sigh. “Anything you want to share?”

“I wish I’d brought something to work on,” I confessed. My brain needed the focus.

“You’re not worried about Alex?”

“What would worrying change?” Of course, I was worried. But dwelling on it got us nowhere.

“Have you told him you’re leaving yet?” Lukas asked, making it sound like I was abandoning everything and returning to Japan or something. Currently, my parents were in Ireland taking care of my mother’s family, but they would return home soon. I had no intention of going anywhere.

“It’s a week in Houston. Five hours by car. I’m not even that far away.”

“He’ll have to stay with me. I can see if I can take more time off.”

Alex would not like that. He didn’t want his brother to spend all his time worrying about him. And Lukas was one of the moodiest bastards I’d ever met. Funny, since he came across very polished to people who didn’t know him. Maybe it was me who brought out his inner bastard. Well, me and Alex.

“He could come with me,” I said, bracing for the argument, but letting out the one thing I’d been thinking of since I’d walked into his hospital room. I didn’t want to let him out of my sight again.

The argument never came. Lukas sat down in the chair beside me, collapsing like air released out of a balloon.

“I planned this over a year ago,” I reminded him.

“And Sky is looking after your place.”

Ah, so that was part of it, too. Lukas would be alone. “You can stay with her at my place. Jet likes you. You enjoy gardening. Maybe put in a new planter or two. It will give you a reason to leave work on time.”

Lukas didn’t look at me, instead staring intently at his lap. After a few minutes of silence, he said, “Sky told me this morning you’d take Alex with you.”

She had probably read some cards. Her knack for determining immediately pending events was uncanny, though a little unnerving, her long-term skills still lacked a lot of clarity. “Yeah?”

“She got very grim…”

Not all sunshine and rainbows. That, too, was normal for Skylar’s readings. I pulled out my phone and sent her a text. Convention with Alex?

S: Yes…

But?

S: I don’t know.

Skylar often answered exactly that way when the cards gave her negative readings she couldn’t quite articulate.

Is he safe? I wrote back.

S: Yes. Discovers new hobby.

I thought about that for a moment, then wrote: Good or bad?

S: Good.

Of course, there were a thousand meanings for good in this context. Good, he found a new hobby. Good, he had something to excite him. Or it could mean he found someone or something better than me. The thought had crossed my mind a hundred times since he’d returned. Would he be different? Would I? Time did strange things to people. Either way, I didn’t press her for more answers. Later, while I packed for the week away, I would grill her for details.

“He’ll be fine,” I told Lukas.

Lukas’ lips tightened into a thin grimace. Fine was a word he hated.

“Sky says he discovers a new hobby. He could use the focus,” I said. Lukas often talked about how Alex needed focus. Before meeting him, I had thought Alex might have ADHD, but his ability to focus was fine. He had simply been in the military too long, and had yet to find things to occupy him instead.

“I’ve put away every dime he’s given me of his military money. It’s in an account for him. Earning interest. I’ll give you the card. If there is something he needs…”

The far door opened, and the detective led a tired-looking Alex out. His long hair was an afro of frizz I’d need to massage with some special conditioner to untangle. Like his brother, he ran his hands through his hair a lot when stressed. While Alex’s hair was blond, it looked more like a bleached blond, though I knew it wasn’t. And it was one of the few things that showed he had a Black father. His dark molten chocolate eyes were ringed in shadows, practically screaming his need for sleep and hydration. The overgrowth of his beard, though trimmed back, could use some major shaping. And while his skin still appeared tan, I knew it was more his natural color than sun exposure. Once I got him home, I’d put him in the bath, slather him with lotion again, and clean up the rest of that beard overgrowth.

Home. Hm. Was my home his already? Or was it just him?

Both Lukas and I got to our feet. I opened my arms for Alex when he approached us unfettered. The detective held out a hand for Lukas. Alex fell into my embrace, hugging me tightly and resting his weight on me.

“Can we go?” I asked. “Alex should eat.” He was far too thin.

“Dying for a banana,” Alex grumbled in my arms. “Or peanut butter cookies.”

Lukas accepted the detective’s hand, shaking it. “What’s going on? What do you know?”

“Nothing for now,” the detective said. Apparently, he wasn’t telling us anything. He looked at Alex. “Call if you remember anything.”

Alex nodded a bit grimly.

“He’s free to go?” Lukas clarified. We’d discussed the possibility of needing a lawyer, even instructing Alex to request one the second he felt the direction of his questioning was heading towards trouble. Either it hadn’t come to that or there was a lot not being said.

“Yes,” the detective agreed. “We’ll be in touch if more questions arise.”

I took that at face value and tugged Alex toward the door, ready to go home and be away from all the noise and the feeling of eyes on us. Alex stepped away, but took my hand, squeezing it before following me to the parking lot. Wasting an entire day at the police station had not been on my radar of fun things to do. At least we’d be taking him home with us rather than scrambling to find some kind of criminal attorney to get bail set for him.

Lukas lasted only until we got into his car, and had left the station, slowly navigating around traffic. “What did they ask? What do they know?” He demanded.

Alex and I sat in the backseat. He blinked, turning from staring out the window to look at his brother, who sat behind the wheel. “Stuff I didn’t know. There were a couple of FBI guys. They showed me pictures of a few places they thought I’d been. The airport is the only one that actually looks like me. Asked me about people I’ve never met before.”

“What about?” Lukas persisted.

“If I knew them or had seen anything.” Alex shrugged. “I got the impression they thought I knew something about these guys and could point them in the right direction.”

“Like drug dealers or something?” Lukas wanted to know.

“Right, ‘cause me and drugs of any kind mix?” Alex asked. He turned my way and ran his fingers along my face. “How are you doing? You look tired.”

“A little. Head is loud. The coffee sucked.”

“Nothing is as good as that stuff you have,” Alex said. “I’m an official coffee snob now.”

The rest of the short drive, Lukas fumed, though said nothing, and Alex took turns looking out the window and smiling at me. At least he was in good spirits.