Using the weights at the Y wasn’t the same as using them at the gym, mostly because the few guys in the weight room were more casual lifters than the two guys with me. Rick and Michael looked like the bodybuilders they were: bulging muscles, veins, and necks rounder than their heads. No matter what Seiran said, I was not nearly as obsessive or large as my workout buddies. I curled 40lb dumbbells, they did 60lbs, but I could see how that would intimidate a small man like my brother, who could only do 15lbs on a good day. Nothing wrong with that, he was fit for his body type.

People stared, though. We always stood out. I sometimes convinced myself it was the muscles and impressive sets that made everyone stop. Other days I wasn’t so sure. Rick and Michael wore super tight shorts and tanks, outlining every well-defined ridge of their bodies. I was in running pants and a T-shirt just loose enough to cling. Sei didn’t like all the muscles on display. They made him nervous. Or maybe it was just the way Rick and Michael joked and teased him like he was their little brother too. They bitched at me for walking on eggshells around the kid. Said I acted different. But they didn’t know what Sei had been through.

I put the weights away, wiped everything clean, and stretched a little before heading for the shower to wash off the sweat. Neither Sei nor Kelly was in the locker room yet. I’d probably have to drag them out of the pool. The second the sky had dropped its first snowflake of the season in the Twin Cities, the two had been perpetually at the pool. It was the one amenity that Gabe’s building didn’t have. At least not an enclosed one that could be used during the winter.

Rick and Michael headed to the track to go around again. They’d only met me here today so I wouldn’t have to be in the weight room without a spotter. Admittedly I didn’t meet them as often. What used to be four or five days a week was down to two, and that was only if I was sure Sei was busy elsewhere.

I had lunch planned with the boys, so we had to get cleaned up and downtown before the lunch crowds swarmed. Sei would freak if we were shoved into a corner surrounded by noisy, smelly people. Large groups and small places always made him twitchy. The last few months of heaped-on shit hadn’t changed that. I’d been pushing Gabe to convince Sei a vacation would be nice. Get Sei’s mind off the past, and maybe ease some of the never-ending tremor that often ghosted through his limbs.

After the shower, I yanked on a clean pair of black pants and a T-shirt. The rest would just make me sweat, so the button-up would have to wait until I got the boys out of the water. I had to pause in the doorway of the pool room because Kelly was squatting with his back to me. The lithe muscles of his legs strained, and the tiny Speedo did little to cover that small, tight butt of his or the lean length of his back and strong shoulders. The line of his neck was mostly hidden by his bleached blond hair, which was cut in a sort of skater punk versus surfer do. The strands looked darker wet, clinging in an almost taunting way. It begged to be brushed away from his tanned neck.

I swallowed back a moan when he shifted his weight and dropped to one knee. His strong hands worked at Sei’s back, massaging the probably aching muscles. Sei had been attacked by a rogue witch a couple weeks ago and had really hurt his back. The doctors said he would heal. I knew spinal bruising took a lot of recovery time. The injury could have been so much worse. He could have been paralyzed. The thought made me shudder.

Sei relaxed into Kelly’s hands, a long sigh releasing the tension like a cork had been pulled. Most of the time it was me who did the massaging, but I couldn’t begrudge Kelly the right to touch him. They were best friends. I found them curled up together asleep on the couch more often than not, or even in one another’s beds, though Sei never looked at Kelly with more than a friendly smile, and he seemed to be okay with that. It wasn’t sexual, but it was a bond. Sometimes I had to fight the compulsion to separate them, usually after I had some horrible realization about how security in the building sucked or that someone could get to them in the pool if I wasn’t around despite the security Gabe hired to discreetly follow them around.

There was a time or two I admitted to worrying about Kelly’s motives. Sei had been betrayed before, countless times. But nothing in Kelly’s eyes ever said calculating killer or even sociopath. Which is what he would have to be to have fooled us all. So my worry began to expand to Kelly too, watching and protecting him to keep my little brother from experiencing heartache at the loss or betrayal of another friend. Never mind the fact that my body had other ideas as to why Kelly needed watching.

Kelly was carved like the runner—and swimmer—he was, lithe with strong shoulders and narrow hips. His arms were toned, not muscled like Rick or Michael or even close to my definition, but no one would have thought he was anything but fit. Without a shirt and mostly naked, there was no denying just how fit he was.

I sighed.

I would not lust after my baby brother’s best friend. It just wasn’t right. Kelly was one of the few people Sei had ever trusted in his whole life. The two talked like magpies, only shutting up long enough for Gabe or me to get food into them. There was no hesitation when they were together. They got into everything and Sei did things no one expected him to ever try. Like swimming in a public pool where there might be germs.

Getting Sei to open up to others was more important than whatever my stupid body demanded, especially since I wanted to curl around a man more than ten years my junior. I was the grown-up and had to act like one.

“Jamie!” Sei called, seeing me. He was sprawled on his stomach across a lounge chair that had been covered in towels. He wore board shorts and a T-shirt. I noticed the tear on the side of the shorts and mentally noted I’d have to go online to order him a new pair. The tear was low. Near the knee and only minor, but I’d either fix it or replace it anyway. I was a little surprised he hadn’t noticed it already and insisted on changing.

Sei’s smile lit up the room. There should have been the noise of other children, swimmers, and chatty parents. But Gabe donated a sizable amount of cash to keep the area closed and clear for Sei to play. Kelly plopped down in the chair beside where Sei was sprawled out. Sei rolled over instead of trying to push himself up. “Good workout?”

“Yep. You guys have fun swimming?” I sat carefully on the end of the Sei’s lounge chair, picked up his towel, and rubbed his head with it. His trunks were still slightly damp, but his skin appeared mostly dry. Drops of water hung from his short dark hair. He had thick, silky hair that anyone who cared about hair wanted to have. I knew he missed the length. Sei spent hours brushing my hair. I even let him braid it in interesting ways just because it was nice to have time close to him, even if he only did it ’cause he missed his.

I wondered, not for the first time, if he’d grown up brushing his mother’s hair, which had been long and straight until about three years ago. Sei hadn’t even begun to grow his hair long until he graduated high school.

“Kelly did like a billion laps,” Sei said, interrupting my wandering thoughts, then took the towel from me and flung it around his shoulders as he got up.

Kelly wrapped his towel around his waist and stretched. “The water was so nice.”

“Warm,” Sei said. His weight had dropped low enough that he didn’t have enough fat to insulate his bones. I was working on that, feeding him as much as I could and wrapping him in blankets when he wasn’t in Gabe’s lap, at school, or at work.

“You two better go get ready. We have to get to lunch.” I grabbed up their bag of water stuff and followed them to the locker room.

“I just need to shower off the chlorine.” Sei headed for the shower, stripping out of his trunks and shirt on his way to the back of the tiled shower stalls. Kelly followed suit, and I couldn’t turn around fast enough to not see his toned ass and the white outline of his tan. Shit.

“I’ll be out here,” I told them, trying to ignore their banter and laughter as they showered beside each other. The three of us shared a locker, so I pulled out all their stuff, lined it up on the bench, and then checked the rack by the shower for fresh linens. Gabe or I usually called ahead when we knew Sei would be coming so they could clean things, put extra attendants on duty, and clear the pool area. Gabe joked about buying a building and turning it into a private pool just for them. The idea had merit, like better security and little chance that someone had peed in the pool before we arrived. But Kelly did occasionally use the track and the weight room to work out. And Sei followed him like a little duck from place to place. So anything Gabe did would have to be more than just a pool. Maybe I could convince him to buy a gym. Go in on it with him. It would give me something to do as I got older, bored with nursing, or Sei didn’t need me anymore.

“So you’d really go to a game with me?” Kelly asked Sei as they were leaving the shower. I didn’t dare turn their way for fear of what I’d see. My mind filled in lots of blanks for me to go with the round little ass Kelly had and his warm, golden skin. The two were close in height, only a few inches separating them, but Kelly was broader in the shoulder and more defined.

I needed to stop thinking about him.

“Yeah. I’ll go. I can’t promise to understand it, but hot men running across a field in tight pants, sure.” They had to be talking about football. As far as I knew, the only football happening right now was college games, since the Vikings had already tanked their season, but it was Kelly’s favorite topic. I heard the sound of clothes rustling. Maybe if I thought really hard, I’d imagine something other than Kelly dressing. Of course he’d slide his pants up those lean legs, hop in to straighten them, and snap the jeans up over his crotch before pulling the shirt over his head and smoothing it over his flat stomach…

“Jamie?” Sei touched my arm gently, something he didn’t do often, but it brought me out of my fantasy. “You okay?”

“Of course.” I glanced over him, making sure he was dressed warmly enough for the cold.

“Ready to go?” Kelly asked. At least he was dressed too, even if the jeans he wore were a little tighter than I thought was stylish right now.

I was more ready than he could know. I picked up their things and led them to the car, letting them chatter away behind me. If I breathed and meditated, I could brush it all off. The image of Kelly’s ass wasn’t burned in my brain. It would fade. I’d seen a lot of asses in my lifetime. Why was his any better than any of the others? I sighed again and stuffed our bags in the trunk of my car, got in front, and started it.

“Want me to drive?” Kelly asked. He slid into the backseat beside Sei, but made a motion to open the door and get out.

“No. I’m good.” I needed something else to focus on other than the blond man in the backseat. Maybe after lunch I’d call an old friend of mine who liked to wrestle and didn’t mind taking care of a little wood. Christ, I was feeling like a teenager. And hungry. At least it was lunchtime.

The restaurant was quiet when we pulled in just after 11:00 a.m. The host seated us in a booth with views of the whole room, which I appreciated. Sei and Kelly sat across from me, ordered veggie egg rolls as an appetizer, and continued talking. It would be okay. I could handle it, though my gut churned as I stared out at the room. Watching people and making sure Sei was secure always made me feel normal. It gave me purpose. Though I was a little on edge, like a slightly overwound spring. Maybe I should have just done some boxing with the guys instead of the lifting. My overactive libido was probably because I hadn’t been spending as much time in the gym.

Between looking after Sei and my studies, time simply wasn’t on my side. How long before the scale would start inching up? I hadn’t checked in weeks. Shit. I was probably already up ten pounds, maybe as much as fifteen. Had my clothes been tight? Rick and Michael usually noticed, but they hadn’t said anything. Were they just trying to be polite?

Silence brought my eyes back to the young men sitting with me. “Huh?” I asked, since both of them stared at me with questioning gazes.

“You’re kind of spacey today,” Kelly remarked.

“Yeah,” Sei agreed. “What’s wrong, Jamie?”

“Nothing. I’m not sure what you mean.” I hated to see that worried look in Sei’s eyes. He had enough issues without adding mine.

“Okay. What are you going to order, then?” Sei prompted, holding up his menu.

Thankfully I’d gone over the menu online before planning on coming here and knew what I was getting. “The chicken with peppers and rice.”

“I totally figured him for the steak,” Kelly said.

Sei’s face crinkled up in a look of distaste. “Beef is so bad for you.” Which was why I wasn’t getting it—not because it was bad for me, but because Sei believed it was bad for me. “The tomato avocado sandwich looks good.”

“I’m getting the steak.” Kelly smiled at us both. “I promise not to keel over from a heart attack before lunch is over. Jamie could probably use the extra protein too, since he lifted today. The extra iron will help his muscles build and repair too.”

Sei looked my way with a raised eyebrow. “Maybe you should get the steak.”

I searched his face and words for any sign of disgust or judgment, but there was none. “Yeah, okay.”

Sei’s smile lit up the table. Kelly winked at me and returned his friend’s grin as we ordered and passed off the menus.

When the food came, I cut into my medium-well steak, loving how the juices ran out onto the plate. How long had it been since beef had crossed my palate? The first piece melted in my mouth. I stole a glance toward Sei and Kelly, fearing I’d find them watching me in a disapproving way. Food was fuel, not pleasure. Fuel, I reminded myself.

They were engaged in conversation about a Magic Studies class. Kelly occasionally glanced my way, throwing sweet smiles in my direction. Did he know he was flirting? Was he flirting? The only people who usually looked at me like that were flirting. Fuck, I was out of practice.

I went back to my steak, enjoying food for the first time in ages. Not that I didn’t like the things Seiran made, but he made a lot of rabbit food: lean proteins, super grains, veggies, and fruit. It was healthy and all whole foods, which weren’t bad. But I’d been secretly adding more healthy fats to his diet. Even making him chocolates with coconut oil and almond butter. He needed the omega-3s to help his mental balance just as much as I did.

Kelly pushed the last of his steak toward me when Sei grabbed the dessert menu. They picked out some monstrous chocolate flowing cake and ice cream mix of which I had only two spoonfuls. Half of Sei’s sandwich sat on his plate, taunting me more than any sweet treats ever did. How much time would I have to spend in the gym tomorrow if I ate that sandwich on top of the steak I had? The waiter came back, and Sei asked to have the sandwich boxed up. I paid for lunch despite their protests and we made our way to the car. If I were lucky, my stomach wouldn’t growl until after I got up to my place and could have a protein shake.

A text chirped on my phone just as we pulled into the condo. I dug out the phone while I pulled their stuff out of the trunk. The words made my stomach clench. My mom was asking for a visit. I swallowed back my sigh and headed inside to put everything away. Kelly and Sei found their way to the counter, books on magic spread out. Sei took his role as a mentor to Kelly pretty seriously. He had a few new titles to study himself, since I’d given him some of my favorite books that had been gifted to me by our father. They were old and probably outdated, but were better than a lot of the highly edited Dominion-approved texts.

“Sei, I have to go out for a bit,” I called to him after a minute. “Need anything?”

“No. Bye, Jamie. Be safe.”

Kelly waved to me as I made my way out the door. Gabe wouldn’t be up for another few hours, so there really was nothing to stop me from seeing my mother. She really wasn’t as bad as Tanaka Rou. Logically, I knew my sister Hanna would make a better mother; after all, I’d raised her to care about others. None of that stopped the dread from filling me as I got in my car and steered it toward my mother’s house.

I pulled into the driveway of the suburban house and had to take a deep breath. Was this ever going to get easier? Finally I got out and approached the door. My mother threw open the door. Her deeply bronzed skin looked like she spent hours every day sun tanning, but it was her natural color, just like mine. Her strawberry-blonde hair contrasted beautifully with her dark Native American eyes. Her mother had been a delicate Swede and her father a Native American warrior with weathered skin and eyes that told the tales of generations. I missed my grandfather suddenly. Odd since I’d barely known him—my mother’s father had been a kind man. I was thirteen when he passed away less than a year after my father was put to death. My grandfather had never looked at me with judging eyes.

“Momma,” I said and wrapped my arms around her in a gentle hug.

“Come in, come in.” She wriggled free of my grip and led me into the house. “Have you put on weight? You always were such a big boy. How about I make you some green tea? That’s supposed to help you lose weight and gain energy.”

I flinched. It really wouldn’t matter how I answered, she’d do it anyway. I sat down at the kitchen table while she made tea. The steak I had for lunch threatened to come back up.

“Have you seen your sister? She’s positively glowing. I’ve been telling her for years that a baby would do that for her. I’d all but given up on having grandbabies.”

“Hanna is excited for the babies. So is Sei.”

“Smartest thing that boy ever did,” my mother mumbled.

“Don’t start, please.” She gave me her disapproving look. I gave mine right back. “You wanted me to visit.”

“Millicent has a lovely daughter…”

“No,” I interrupted before she could continue. “No setting me up with anyone.” Hanna was fulfilling the obligation to have a baby and continue the Browan family. The responsibility had really never been mine. Being a male child born to a Dominion family always sucked. We were mostly invisible unless a union could be made with a good family. At least I hadn’t been first wave like Sei had. Or an only child. I needed to call Hanna and thank her again just for being born.

“You need a strong Dominion girl to take you in hand. Spending all that time with that Rou boy isn’t making you any friends. If he weren’t Pillar, Hanna wouldn’t be having his baby. So sad Tanaka was only left with that boy. He’s so flamboyantly gay too. She couldn’t even find a girl who would be willing to marry him.”

“Sei is what he is. He’s strong and I don’t just mean powerful with magic. He’s dealt with more shit than anyone I know, his mother being part of that shit. If she’d just let him be who he was, he wouldn’t have half the issues he does. Not that he’d be any more willing to marry a girl since he does prefer boys. And with all the snobby witches in the Dominion, I’m beginning to agree with him.” The silence of the room made the blood pounding in my ears all the louder. Had I really said that out loud?

“Are you telling me you’re gay?”

Technically, I was pretty sure I was bisexual at this point in my life, but whatever. The older I got, the less labels mattered to me. “If I get to choose who I spend the rest of my life with, it will be someone I love. Not someone who can have my child or is a good union between families. And before you say anything, yes, I’d like to have children someday. But Sei, my baby brother who I adore, has proven that not everything has to be the way the Dominion wants it to be. If I have kids, I will not allow boys to die or be cut. They will be raised to learn about their powers, about the Code, and with a healthy knowledge of magic in general. They will be respected for who they are, not discriminated against because of what they are. Their parents will love them no matter what sex they are born. Gender is nothing but a stereotype.”

My mother’s face was blank, and she sat so still I worried I’d really shocked her into having a stroke. Finally she said, “You think I don’t love you?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. Sometimes it seems like it. Other times I really don’t think so. I’m Dominion born and you didn’t stay with my dad because you had me. Though I’m not sure why you kept me.”

She frowned at me.

“I’m just tired of trying to please everyone.” And I realized in that moment that I really was. Sei’s and my battles weren’t really all that different. Sure, he was pressured in the limelight by a tyrannical mother and mine was more subtle, but it was still discrimination, hate. I was tired of caring for people who hated me just for being me. Fuck.

I let out a long sigh and my stomach grumbled, reminding me of other wars I was still fighting. It was time to pick my battles. This one with my mother was one I obviously wasn’t winning. I got up from the chair. “I really need to go.”

“Don’t leave angry,” my mom said and grabbed my arm.

“I’m not angry. I’m just tired.” I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “We can’t always live for others. Sometimes we just have to make a choice for ourselves. Sorry, Momma.” I left with that, getting in the car and heading back to the condo. The drive gave me time to stew in my own misery for a while. Was I angry? Did I have a right to be? She’d done her best, though I often wondered if appearances mattered more to her than the happiness of her children. Wallowing in my own misery was not going to do anyone any good. Maybe I’d go up, take a nap, and then see if I could shove more food in Sei. There had to be something I could do to eradicate the dark circles that still lingered under his eyes.

After parking in the underground lot, I made my way upstairs, taking the actual stairs all the way up to my loft without stopping. Maybe if I could work up a sweat, I’d work off some of the steak I ate. The flight should have winded even me, but I arrived without a drop of sweat and still breathing normally. Damn.

The place looked so orderly, kitchen untouched other than the blender that I used several times a day for protein shakes. The living room sat empty with a large-screen TV that I never turned on and a brand-new leather sofa that saw dust bunnies more than my ass. I mounted the stairs up to the loft, kicked off my shoes, threw myself on the bed, and tucked a pillow over my head to block out the light. Sleep must have taken me fairly quickly, because the next thing I heard was the sound of soft voices talking below and moving closer.

The soundproofing to the loft could have rivaled a bomb shelter, so I knew the noise wasn’t coming from neighbors. Then a dark head peered up over the edge of the loft. Sei rewarded me with a sunny smile. I moved the pillow and tucked it under my head. “What are you doing up here?”

He climbed the rest of the stairs up and leaned down to grab a few things from Kelly, who followed him. They had a tray full of food. I tried to get up, but Sei pushed me back down.

“Rest. We made you dinner.”

The idea of eating in front of them made my heart pound in fear as my mother’s words from circled through my head. Had I put on weight? What did they always tell me in therapy? Weight was just a number. I couldn’t control how other people saw me. Yet the idea of Sei and Kelly perceiving me with the horror and disgust the world dropped on overweight people made my heart hurt. “I can meet you guys in the kitchen. Did you eat?”

Kelly set the tray in front of me while Sei stacked the pillows up behind my back. The plate was heaped with eggs, golden and fluffy, three peanut butter banana muffins, and a glass of milk. Everything smelled so good my mouth watered, and I felt like a buffalo for even thinking about eating it all.

“I knew you weren’t feeling well,” Sei told me. “You should have said so. I made eggs ’cause they should be easy on your stomach, and the muffins are flourless, just like you like them.” He touched my forehead. “You feel warm, but you always feel warm.” His face scrunched up like he was thinking. “I can get you an icepack if you want. Or more blankets.” He glanced around the room, probably looking for my spare bedding, which was actually in drawers under the bed. “Maybe from downstairs?” He picked up the fork and stabbed some eggs and brought them to my lips. “Eat, please.”

“No kidding.” Kelly said. “Have you been eating anything other than protein shakes? There is nothing in your fridge.” He cut the muffin in half and added some butter and honey to it. “You looked a little shaky today after you came out of the weight room.”

I swallowed half the eggs and devoured a muffin, but was unwilling to continue and make a pig of myself despite the gnawing hunger clawing at my gut. Sei blinked at me from where he sat near my legs as Kelly pulled open another muffin. “Don’t you like it?”

“It’s great, Sei. I’m just full.”

“That is a lie.” Gabe came up the stairs and leaned against the rail. His green eyes looked at me in challenge. I wanted to throw something at him, but that would only make Sei suspicious. He raised a brow at me, a question. Did I want him to tell them? I shook my head. Not yet. Maybe someday, but not yet…

Sei looked between us and then finally back at me before lifting another bite of eggs to my lips. “Jamie, eat.”

And so I ate every last bite. After the last of the milk went down, I was finally satisfied, but not overly stuffed. None of them looked at me with any disgust or judgment. They all just looked concerned. Gabe took the tray away, and Sei curled up next to me on the bed, his stomach pressed to my hip, head on my chest. “Are you still hungry, Jamie? I can make some more eggs.”

“No. I’m good.”

“Sleepy?”

Actually, I wasn’t. He’d never sat so closely without twitching nervously or having to do something with his hands, like braid my hair or flip through a magazine. It was nice. Even Kelly was fawning over me with concern. “No.”

“Movie time,” Kelly said. He got up and tugged me out of bed. The three of us stumbled down to my unused sofa where Gabe was messing with the wires of the TV and DVD player, which I’d never plugged in.

Finally the movie was going, and I realized it was the kid’s movie, Meet the Robinsons, which was all about being accepted for who you are. It was one of Sei’s favorites. The two boys curled up next to me, one on each side, Gabe sat on the far side of Sei, and we settled in to watch the movie.

Only when it came to a close and both Sei and Kelly slept peacefully against me did I realize the movie meant something to me too. Sure I was different, and unlike Sei, I didn’t have a terrible past of people abusing me. But right this moment, I had a family who accepted me for all the flaws I had. I felt myself smile and fight back tears for a moment. So maybe Sei wasn’t the only one with self-esteem issues in the house. I was pretty sure they were all okay with that.

I crept away from the group to the kitchen, wondering if there was a mess to clean up. But of course since it had been Sei cooking, the place was spotless. There really was no food in the fridge. Not even frozen chicken in the freezer. How had I let that happen? I closed the fridge to find Gabe standing beside it, a business card held out in front of him. A very familiar business card.

“It’s not that bad,” I protested quietly.

He didn’t speak, just swept his gaze over the counter which was filled with jugs of protein powder and a very well-loved blender. When had it gotten so bad? Sei’s kidnapping maybe? The gunshot? I shook my head. I couldn’t blame anyone else for this. I sucked in a deep breath and took the card. My therapist could help get me back on track, before things got worse.

“Do I need to check the closets?” Gabe murmured quietly.

I shook my head. No. I couldn’t let it get that far. Not again. Not when Sei was finally in my life and he needed me to look after him. He and Kelly were curled up sharing a blanket now. I had Kelly to take care of too. And soon there would be babies. I had to be strong for them. Work on this. I typed the number into the phone.